2018-01-24-The Challenge and Art of Alone-ness
At Large #313
• 1 Heading
o 1.1 Topic: The Challenge and Art of Aloneness
o 1.2 Group: At Large
• 2 Facilitators
o 2.1 Teacher: Monjoronson
o 2.2 TR: Vicki Vanderheyden
• 3 Session
o 3.1 Introduction
o 3.2 Lesson
o 3.3 Dialogue
o 3.4 Closing
Topic: The Challenge and Art of Aloneness
Group: At Large
TR: Vicki Vanderheyden
In the year 2010, I went through a massive life change that I had little time to prepare for. The sudden and unexpected passing of Michael, my husband of 35 years brought to completion all aspects of the life we shared. Due to circumstances leading to this event, it resulted in the shattering of our little family, and the loss of my job, home, financial stability and emotional support. And is often common when one becomes a widow or widower, there was a drastic change in my physical health and social life.
Having just retired from a 39 year career in the field of education, I quickly picked myself up, licked my wounds and began to rebuild all that was lost. I am a survivor. We had struggled financially before, and had our share of challenges. I was used to hard work, so I charged ahead with optimism. What I was not prepared for was the long, arduous, road of living alone and the crushing blow of grief, loss and loneliness. I did eventually recover to the point that I could once again appreciate the gifts of life and awareness that had been given to me.
As Monjoronson and I identified topics to transmit for public use, that are most prevalent in the lives of humans on this planet, the first to surface was the need to discuss the challenge and art of alone-ties of our world. So, he contributed this essay and we then engaged in this dialogue regarding my struggles of loneliness with the intention of publishing it.
Due to the personal nature of this transmission, I held onto it for a while, maintaining my own privacy. But as I see history repeat itself with a devastating corona-virus 19 pandemic similar to the one that compromised the health of my husband in 2010 and a growing concern for the financial and social welfare of many individuals in our world, I decided it was time to release to the public this transparent conversation that evolved over a period of 3 weeks in 2018. – Vicki Vanderheyden, 2020
MONJORONSON: When you enter a time in life when you are frequently alone, you are given an opportunity, a space, to express the fullness of yourself that may have been buried for a while by the merging of two or more souls. Relationships provide us with a chance to compromise, to experience the essence of another, and to co-create a portion of our lives together. However, these relationships often cloud a sense of who you are as an individual.
The statement, ‘Know thyself’ is indeed a necessary component in becoming an ascending personality on the road to Paradise. It is often at these times of alone-ness, that you perhaps feel a huge hole in your being from the loss of another in our life. It is this time that one’s own essence rushes in to fill the gaps. At first, you may not recognize this as a part of yourself. It may feel as if it lacks authenticity since it is so different from the view you had of yourself in the embodiment of human relationships, but over time your deeper, truer, more authentic self consistently emerges and you become more comfortable in what you will learn is be, your own skin.
The Father, our creator, has endowed us with our own unique personality that emerges as a signature of ourselves for all to recognize. Your signature is one of a kind that encompasses a continuum of traits culminating into the essence that is you. Without periods of alone-ness, one cannot fully appreciate the gift that has been given to you. Especially in close day-to-day relationships where you often compromise yourself, it may be hard for you to distinguish where the traits, beliefs and habits of one person ends and the other begins.
But through alone-ness, this knowledge of your authentic self emerges and you begin to discover who you truly are. You begin to add your own spice of diversity to humankind. It is then that you can more clearly see a path for your current existence and can more fully express the purpose that brought you here in the first place to this moment in your life.
Let us not disqualify the importance of human relationships, for they indeed provide the nutrients, security, and sustenance necessary for growth during your life. However, without a clear sense of yourself you often struggle to distinguish your uniqueness from another’s. This journey of ascension extends far beyond the life you are experiencing on Earth. And as you enter this life as one individual, you will then at a later time leave it as the same endowed personality with a deeper understanding and fuller expression of yourself.
Vicki: Thank you for that Monjoronson. As you know, It has taken me years to relieve this feeling of loneliness that has resulted from the changes that have taken place in my life and to allow myself to value this emergence of myself as a whole being. May I ask then why it is more difficult for some of us to live in a state of alone-ness than it is for others?
MONJORONSON: : It is a combination of the very nature of your personality and your previous circumstance that determines the challenges you will face when your life transitions into a period of alone-ness. There are those who by the nature of their personality are quite comfortable in their own skin. Their life work is centered around huge swaths of alone time. And some, who due to the hardships of difficult relationships welcome being alone. There are others who find their life unfolding with little time alone, whose life work involves continual participation in social circles and who find little comfort in being alone.
Vicki: Yes, prior to my huge life change, I had never experienced much time living alone. I was surrounded by people throughout all aspects my life and for the most part was very comfortable with that. This difference in personality and circumstance may also explain why some are not very patient with those who are lonely.
MONJORONSON: : Yes. Many look upon one who is lonely as if they are weaker than ones who have found alternatives and adjust more readily. Those who understand the diversity and complexity of challenges that face individuals soon learn that life circumstance and personality produce obstacles that are easily navigated by some but create more complex entanglements and less viable opportunities for others. As you grow in understanding, you become more aware of these complexities and you substitute judgement for empathy and compassion.
Vicki: This brings to mind another issue I struggle with and that is exposing my unhappiness to others especially my loved ones because I do not wish to cause them suffering. What about the backlash of suffering that others feel as they watch you suffer?
MONJORONSON: : This is indeed a reality that many are unprepared for and often it results in them running away from those who are suffering, leaving the lonely one with no support. It is a mark of maturity when one has learned the art of empathy, compassion and giving, without embodying the pain of another. You have the capacity to acknowledge one’s suffering and extend a loving hand merely by developing the ability to control your own feelings and thoughts. At the same time those who suffer with loneliness, are given ample opportunity to learn strategies that help them control their own states of mind.
This is often not easy in the wake of massive change in one’s life but with time and compassionate assistance, it will come to that. There is work here for both parties, the ones afflicted with loneliness and the ones who support the lonely. It requires those around the lonely who are not experiencing a massive change in their life, to be willing to make more room in their current life for another. In this culture of busy-ness this is not always an easy feat. It is often much easier to justify that one has no extra time to offer. This happens quite frequently in your world today and that is what contributes to the increasing numbers of lonely individuals.
Vicki: So then, Monjoronson how can we work to decrease the numbers of lonely individuals in our world?
MONJORONSON: : It requires the patience, care and time of friends, family and community members. The journey that one experiences toward a feeling of wholeness cannot be rushed by the desires of others, but it can be nurtured by others through the gift of giving time and compassionate energy to their lonely loved ones. Life was never meant to be a totally isolating experience even during periods of alone-ness. Humans are social beings and require regular periods of social discourse.
Vicki: So, if there is this diversity among us that determines our comfort with the experience of aloneness, how then can we better prepare people, so that they do not have this discomfort?
MONJORONSON: : We can begin by exposing children at a young age to the joys of being with oneself. As you raise children in this world of busy-ness, there is much to be said for parents and caregivers who provide ample opportunities for young ones to find comfort in being alone. Just as the mind fluctuates from periods of external stimulation to periods of inner diffusion, children require frequent transitions from social interaction with family and peers, to inner alone time and periods of self-reflection.
Vicki: It seems that some parents now-a-days find themselves filling up every moment of a child’s life with adult-led activities, that children rarely have an opportunity to come to terms with the feeling of alone-ness. Would you agree?
MONJORONSON: : Yes, and unfortunately, we see a negative effect on a child’s perspective of alone time when parents use the practice of ‘time out’ and bedtime as the majority of time a child spends alone. It is most beneficial when children are given the opportunity to structure their own time in creative pursuits and personal interests. For those children who struggle to entertain themselves, some gentle guidance by a compassionate adult goes a long way such as suggesting time for reading, listening to music, riding one’s bike, playing in the sand, drawing a picture, or creating a special quiet place. This will positively impact them later in life when they encounter large periods of alone time as adults and feel a need to sooth themselves. They will be less likely to relate to it as a punishment or as an undesirable experience.
Vicki: Oh my! I had not realized that ‘time outs’ could be at times, setting children up for a negative view of alone time before. It makes sense. I can see how it affects their perspective.
MONJORONSON: : Which brings up one of the biggest challenges for those in a state of loneliness and that is to maintain a healthy perspective. In saying that, we cannot always fill the gap for the person who feels the loss or absence of a loved one, but we can provide enough care to alter the perspective of one who is suffering. Loneliness is just that… a state of mind. You can experience loneliness as a state of mind in the company of loved ones and friends as well. It can be relieved by offering a different perspective that results in, a different state of mind. When helping another, it is best to refrain from negative and judgmental remarks. Instead what is often helpful is to provide an active listening ear. We all have a need to be heard. Allow the individual to release the anguish that has been pent up from days of being alone. This may help the lonely individual feel enough companionship and support to navigate themselves out of their own confusion.
Vicki: Yes, this issue of perspective plagued me. I would experience so much confusion in my state of grief that I wouldn’t realize that I could relieve myself of it just by changing my perspective. It was you, Monjoronson who brought that to my attention by offering me a different way to look at something. This is a major difficulty for many of us who live alone, this need to be heard and to receive feedback. Our society does not always support these needs we have to receive feedback especially for those who find themselves with few family members and friends around them and who have limited financial resources to afford professional help. When you lose the one who served this purpose for you, it takes time to find others to take this place.
MONJORONSON: Of course. This is a huge problem and it will require time to put in place incremental changes in this culture so that it is more supportive to a larger percentage of the population suffering from this isolation. It would be of benefit to study those cultures, some of which are primitive and indigenous, that employ effective means toward the inclusion of the single individual. These practices are not complex but rather simple and thus effective for those whose lives are racked with demands.
The practice of inclusion could mean sharing a conversation, eating a meal together, providing group activities, allowing one to assist in your daily activities, arranging for the opportunity to connect with another one’s children. Then, not only are you providing opportunities for a lonely one to connect but you are also giving these connections purpose.
Vicki: For me, it is difficult to call upon my loved ones for companionship, because they are so busy and I do not wish to burden them. And when I do break down and call them, there have been times when the call is not returned in a timely manner. So, then days go by with little contact. Though I try not to take this personally, it often leads to even more feelings of isolation and loneliness. What do you suggest that one does in these circumstances, Monjoronson?
MONJORONSON: : When a simple reminder is ignored, there are few options available to facilitate this communication and this in essence is the crux of the problem. Busy or not, people make choices as to their priorities and when you are not included in that choice, you have no alternative but to accept this. It is then out of your hands. This is when you must find alternatives for fulfilling your own needs and self-expression.
Vicki: Yes, I understand this. We as individuals have a responsibility to seek our own happiness and so we find ourselves looking for opportunities in our community to contribute, volunteer, and meet others. In addition, I find myself relying on my pets for some semblance of order and companionship in my daily life. This for some is enough to satisfy their need for companionship and for others there still lacks that need to connect on a deeper level. For me, it serves as a piece of the puzzle to relieve my loneliness, yet it has not replaced the need in me for deeper connections. Those relationships are often harder to find and require time to develop. It once again reverts back to the need to find contentment with one’s own company. Would you agree Monjoronson?
MONJORONSON: : I would indeed. But there is another option we have not discussed yet.
Vicki: And what might that be, Monjoronson?
MONJORONSON: : When you have exhausted your current resources for human companionship, know that each of you are surrounded by a cadre of guides, spiritual beings who long to connect with you. You live in a time when circuits are opening to provide you with these opportunities. You may not be prepared to hear them at first, but they are listening. You are truly never alone.
Vicki: This continues to be my saving grace. And I wish I could always remember that! I do not know what I would have done without spiritual communication and guidance. I attribute my very survival to your interventions with me, Monjoronson. And I now know of many who seek help from their own personal spiritual teachers.
MONJORONSON: : But also know that there is within you, a more important personal guide, a fragment of God, the First Source, whose primary goal is to share your life experience and contribute to it. Seek this companionship.
Vicki: Thank you again for this reminder. For most of my life, I talked to this fragment I call the Father and though I could feel his presence, the ability to hear him alluded me until I realized that he had his own means of communicating with me. In some ways it is quite different from the way I communicate with others and in other ways, very similar.
MONJORONSON: : Tell me more about this…
Vicki: Ok… Well, one example is that over time I discovered that his answers came to me through flashes of insight, those aha moments I would receive within my thoughts. It took me a long time to realize that He was often the source of those insights. That was an amazing discovery for me because it opened me up to look for other possibilities in His communications with me. I began to realize that He encompasses all and can be experienced in multiple roles but always with a supportive and purely moral message. One minute He feels like my Father, the next minute, my friend.
One minute I hear a masculine side, another moment I hear the feminine side. I have seen Him with a younger demeanor and I’ve seen Him as an older one. He can express Himself very differently at times, even with a robust sense of humor! At first, it was quite a surprise and I denied it, but then I began to realize that we are all an expression of Him. That He encompasses everything true, good, and beautiful within us. And that through us, He experiences the process of growth and development. It has helped me see His essence in others. And I must admit, I probably would not have experienced Him to this degree without a considerable amount of alone time.
This has become a bit of my life work, to help others experience the awareness of His presence and the reality of two-way communication with spirit especially the Father fragment within us.
MONJORONSON: : Thank you for sharing. And yours is a worthy cause, my friend. The only obstacle standing in the way of a two-way conversation with these beings including the First Source, is when individuals do not believe they can actually communicate with spirit. Open your mind to these possibilities and dedicate time to connect. You will find a world just beyond yours that is teeming with life, opportunity and friendship.
Vicki: That makes sense to me. And with that insight, this may be a fitting time to end our session. What do you think Monjoronson? Do you have some final words to share?
MONJORONSON: : Let me say this. It will take your society a long time to understand that above all else, it’s purpose is to support the family and serve the social needs of its constituents. So, until that time, consider for a moment how you in your current life can provide support, encouragement and opportunity to those around you who find themselves in a state of loneliness. This will truly impact the negative effect of this growing epidemic and accentuate the need for your communities to take further action. May you be blessed with the companionship of the Father as well as many other loved ones in your life and with a genuine enjoyment of yourself as unique and loved individuals. Good Day.